A wild baby appeared!

Things don't always go as planned, 11 days overdue, water birth abandoned part way through, Grayson Alarik arrived by emergency section. My little chunk was 8lb 7oz. 

It's amazing how easy it is to forget how wank things are during birth, literally just months later I would be telling people how nice my birth experience was and my partner would be reminding me that the staff had to be constantly prompted to empty the piss bag attached to my catheter, that apparently the staff during my c-section commented to each other about rushing me through as there was someone else waiting and that they would hold meetings in the canteen that lasted for ages stopping us from having access to water in the most stiflingly warm wards I have ever been in.

But I also have a lot of respect for the NHS. I didn't have to pay for anything - apart from out of my taxes obv. I had an amazing nurse help me to breastfeed when I thought I wasn't being successful, there were some great midwives, nurses and doctors, and so far my scar has healed pretty nice, so that's something!

Nine and a half months of growing a human paid off, to me he is the most perfect thing I have ever seen. A whole new journey has begun...

Antenatal Classes – finding your village?

For me, anxiety likes to manifest itself by making me feel like everyone dislikes me, is judging me and do not want to be around me. So it made the idea of starting a course of antenatal classes a special kind of hell.

I was however well aware that I had never birthed a baby before and also had neglected to read any prebirth books. Although that was a personal decision – a book is only going to get you so far during labour and to be honest I figured I’d just roll with it. I also was hoping to find this so called ‘village’ of mums that I’d heard so much about.

I’d imagined it in a sort of dream like way I suppose, I expected it to be a bunch of bowling ball tummied mummies all hoping to find a bunch of other mums in the local area due around the same time, whilst learning how to breathe calmly.

I was pretty wrong.

It was an unbearably hot room, even though it was January in England most of us were in sandals/flip flops and vest tops. Unfortunately I am rubbish at being hot and pregnant. So I nearly passed out. At two different sessions. If it doesn’t make you die a bit inside having to excuse yourself from a group of strangers who are handling the whole situation a lot better than you then you’re a better person than me!

I felt alienated – not because of anyone else's actions – this was all down to me. Some of the other mothers knew each other already, or were on their second child now so already had their friends, it was intimidating to me, to be around all these women who seemed so confident. Whilst they talked about milk prep machines and nursery decorating I sat on the floor in front of a fan like a beached whale wondering how I could fit a cot and a moses basket in my bedroom at my parents house. Some of them didn’t even eat the free biscuits. I would have eaten my own humongous weight in them if I wasn’t trying to hard to pretend I had my shit together.

I didn’t end up with any friends from the course. It’s ok now as I don’t live in the same area but at the time it felt like a huge disappointment. Like I’d let myself down.

One strong moment.

This was the moment I announced my pregnancy to my outer circle. I was already 4 months gone, had my first scan to gaze at every day for two weeks previous, yet it had taken me all that time to get to my one strong moment. It even came with a whole 'power to me, single mumma' caption, because I felt the need to validate myself.

I'd like to say that in the time since then I have gained all the confidence in the world, in myself and my parenting, but it wouldn't be true. The truth is I spend most of my time trying to get to these strong moments and they never seem to be around when I need them!

Finding my feet is a work in progress, it's hard to find your village when you're often too anxious to leave the house, but that's what this is all about, part reflection and part pushing forward - and 100% honesty.