Antenatal Classes – finding your village?

For me, anxiety likes to manifest itself by making me feel like everyone dislikes me, is judging me and do not want to be around me. So it made the idea of starting a course of antenatal classes a special kind of hell.

I was however well aware that I had never birthed a baby before and also had neglected to read any prebirth books. Although that was a personal decision – a book is only going to get you so far during labour and to be honest I figured I’d just roll with it. I also was hoping to find this so called ‘village’ of mums that I’d heard so much about.

I’d imagined it in a sort of dream like way I suppose, I expected it to be a bunch of bowling ball tummied mummies all hoping to find a bunch of other mums in the local area due around the same time, whilst learning how to breathe calmly.

I was pretty wrong.

It was an unbearably hot room, even though it was January in England most of us were in sandals/flip flops and vest tops. Unfortunately I am rubbish at being hot and pregnant. So I nearly passed out. At two different sessions. If it doesn’t make you die a bit inside having to excuse yourself from a group of strangers who are handling the whole situation a lot better than you then you’re a better person than me!

I felt alienated – not because of anyone else's actions – this was all down to me. Some of the other mothers knew each other already, or were on their second child now so already had their friends, it was intimidating to me, to be around all these women who seemed so confident. Whilst they talked about milk prep machines and nursery decorating I sat on the floor in front of a fan like a beached whale wondering how I could fit a cot and a moses basket in my bedroom at my parents house. Some of them didn’t even eat the free biscuits. I would have eaten my own humongous weight in them if I wasn’t trying to hard to pretend I had my shit together.

I didn’t end up with any friends from the course. It’s ok now as I don’t live in the same area but at the time it felt like a huge disappointment. Like I’d let myself down.